For the last four years, I’ve been obsessed with my past. I’ve spent so much time reflecting on the things that I’d done, mistakes I’d made and the people who I had surrounded myself with. It turned from being an obsession, to being something that was haunting me. I would have dreams about these people who I used to consider my friends, and as a result I would find myself thinking about them nonstop for the next few days, and missing the relationships that I’d had with them.
One person at a time, I would try to re-establish those friendships and would be disappointed when things weren’t just as they were 4-5 years ago. I was telling myself lies, and hiding feelings from them just to avoid upsetting them. Eventually, I would subconsciously decide that these “friendships” weren’t right for my life anymore, and I would put myself into rebellious moods just for the sake of starting a fight with them so that I could feel a sense of closure and control by ending the relationships.
Suddenly it came to me: I don’t need to be doing this. It’s not constructive for myself or the other people involved. My life has changed so much in the last four years, and I don’t relate to the type of people who I used to be able to. It’s a sad feeling when you are just finding out how people think, even if it’s subconscious. I learned very quickly after getting married that people will look at you differently. One friend would text me late at night and tell me how jealous he was that my husband and I knew that we had found the right person, and everything else that a marriage relationship entails. It wasn’t too much later that he ended our friendship. People (in my case at least) didn’t want anything to do with me anymore once I had gotten married.
Things changed even more dramatically when I had my daughter. I was even less “cool” then because now I wasn’t staying out late every night, and I had a baby to take care of. I wasn’t the same irresponsible “fun” person that I had been previously. The people in my life who were my age, weren’t ready or hadn’t found the right person to start a new life with, so all of a sudden, I was an outcast. It was very difficult for me to deal with that.
It took a while to figure out that I needed to quit dwelling on things that were happening and quit trying to figure out the reasons for everything. I also realized that I would much rather live my life as an “unpopular” wife and mother than have to try to pretend that I am someone else just to fit in with old friends. I love my life. I love my family and if that isn’t something that people want to deal with, then I don’t need those people in my life. It wasn’t an easy thing to decide at first, but it is so worth it. The few friends that I could relate with even more by becoming a wife and mother, are the best friends that I’ve ever had, and the new friends that I’ve made because of having these two “new” people in my life, are some of the most amazing people I’ve ever known.
While some sides of “growing up” pretty much suck (finances and responsibility), other parts of it are wonderful. The wonderful parts are the things that I’m working on and focusing on now. Those are the things that matter. The future has so many amazing possibilities and I am looking forward to seeing what it has in store for myself and my family. I have my plans laid out and things that I want to get involved in, but as for what will really happen, I will just have to wait and see how my plans fit in with the things that God has planned for me and work to get those things to be the same.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”