I find myself thinking tonight, wondering if certain events are in some way tied to other events for reasons that are beyond my control. So many things are changing, for better and for worse, and I wonder if they’re connected-even in small ways. I’ve been giving so much thought to my own life lately and trying to improve myself, and wondering what it all means and wondering Why now? I’ve been reflecting, and planning so many things for myself and for my family and keeping myself busy and just feel like I’m growing. Now I find myself wondering if things are going the way they are in my life, so that I can be there for friends and family and help them through hard times. What are the chances that I’ve just now become ready to conquer my social anxiety to be of better help to others, rather than just checking something off of my list of improvements to be made?
I guess I still don’t have a solid understanding between Gods will and free will. Do I believe that God is in control of my life? Yes, but I also know that He gave me free will, and I’m not really sure where that line is drawn. I don’t know if my social anxiety was given to me to teach me things that I’ve learned as a result, or if it just pretty much happened and I also just happened to learn from it. I’d like to believe that there was a reason for it…but I’m just not sure. That gives me something new to focus on, and work to understand.