I’m a control freak. I’ve never been a fan of that term, and have often thought of it as just another phrase that gets thrown around too much. In speaking with my therapist, and telling her different characteristics of me, she eventually made the statement, “you seem like a control freak…”. The idea of that being true just hit me as impossible, until I started thinking again about everything that I had just told her, and I thought, “Oh wow. How did I not see that?”. Finally, I got it. I am a control freak. I pretty much brushed it off as ‘just the way things are’, until recently when a new question hit me: How can I be a control freak and be doing the will of God?
The truth is, that I can’t. I can’t be in control, and still be fully putting my faith in God. So where does this leave me? That, I haven’t yet figured out the answer to. This subject is now the main thing that is occupying my mind, and I’m excited about searching the Bible for what I need to read to help me to change this habit that I have, and turn everything that I am trying to control over to God. Do I believe that God can control everything? Most definitely. So why is it difficult for me to allow Him to? I know without question, without doubt that He can control and handle everything, and not only handle it, but handle it far better than I could ever be able to.
This brought up another question, Do I not really trust God the way that I think I do? I believe in God, without doubt. I don’t feel that I lack faith in Him, but at the same time, I have a hard time trusting myself. Ever since I made some extremely bad choices regarding my life and future a few years ago, I have found myself unable to trust the choices and decisions that I’ve needed to make for myself. When I was thinking about this, I realized that in regards to myself I really haven’t made many decisions on my own since then. Everything that I had done with my life for the last couple of years, I have had somebody else enforcing the choice for me. What a way to live, huh? My first big step in breaking out of that habit, was choosing to go to a counselor. Why? Because it was my choice, and it was something that would be totally focused on ME. While that could easily be seen as selfish, knowing the situation, I am not the only one to say that I truly needed to do that.
Since I began seeing my counselor, I’ve learned a lot about myself. One of my favorite parts about that is that I’ve learned it all, not by being told, but by talking about it myself. Again, it wasn’t a case of me not knowing, it’s been a case of me not trusting myself. Basically all of the things that I knew about myself, I didn’t know whether they were true because I needed somebody else to confirm it.
I consider myself incredibly lucky to have the wonderful friends and family as the support system that I have. I have a friend that I see nearly daily who is an aspiring preacher, and he has been helping me to understand Gods word more and more and I have been thoroughly enjoying the time that my husband and I have spent with him, reading the Bible and discussing God and how He is working in each of our lives, and talking about the things that we have been learning about, and the experiences that are helping to teach us these things.
Also, coincidentally, my best friend has actually gone through this same struggle “control freak” herself recently enough that I am able to talk to her about it, and get some insight from her, and find out what God taught her while she was going through this. I am looking forward to seeing what resources helped her, and discovering what I need to help me with this.
As I complete this blog, I am eager to start my research on these issues. I could write a whole new blog on my somewhat new-found enjoyment and excitement about studying Gods word, and the chance to better learn how He wants me to live, and actually being excited to start living it the way that He wants me to. I have taken advantage of the opportunity to live for God for long enough, it’s time to really dig deeper. Deeper into Him, deeper into His word, and deeper into myself.